Wednesday, November 15, 2006

You Might Be a Southern Baptist If...

Here is a little mid week frivolity for "y'all." The following was emailed to me yesterday but I don't know who originally wrote this. I have augmented the original list with some of my own thoughts as well. Please share your best Southern Baptism (no pun intended - well, OK, there was...) today.

Enjoy...
Campi


IF YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TAKE A COVERED DISH TO HEAVEN.

IF YOU HAVE EVER SUPPORTED A LUIS PALAU CRUSADE IN CHINA FEATURING ROMAN CATHOLIC PRIESTS PRAYING TO MARY.

IF YOU THINK SOMEONE WHO RAISES THEIR HANDS WHILE SINGING A PRAISE CHORUS FROM HILLSONG MUSIC IS A CHARISMATIC.

IF YOU REALLY THINK THAT CHRISTIAN VIRTUE IS ACHIEVED BY VALUE VOTING.

IF YOU COMPLAIN BECAUSE YOUR PASTOR ONLY WORKS ONE DAY A WEEK AND THEN HE WORKS TOO LONG.

IF YOU THINK THAT BEING CALVINISTIC REALLY SQUASHES EVANGELISM.

IF YOU WOKE UP CRAVING FRIED CHICKEN ONE MORNING AND INTERPRETED IT AS A CALL TO PREACH.

IF YOU THINK A POMPIDOU IS THE REQUIRED HAIR STYLE TO GET INTO A LARGE SEMINARY IN LOUISVILLE, KY.

IF YOU THINK THAT ERGIN CANER DOESN'T NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT THERAPY AND BACKED OUT ON THE DEBATE WITH JAMES WHITE BECAUSE THE LIBERTY UNIV. DEBATE COACH REALLY COULDN'T APPROVE THE ALREADY AGREED UPON FORMAT.

IF YOU THINK THAT AMERICA IS THE NEW ISRAEL AND THAT THE HOLY LAND IS NASHVILLE, TN.

IF YOU ACTUALLY ADMIT TO OWNING AND READING A TIM LAHAYE NOVEL.

IF YOU THINK ALL THE NAMES ON THE MEMBERSHIP ROLLS REALLY REPRESENT TRUE BELIEVERS.

IF YOU THINK JOHN THE BAPTIST FOUNDED THE SOUTHERN BAPTIST CONVENTION.

IF YOU THINK "VICTORY IN JESUS" IS THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

IF THE FIRST SENTENCE YOU EVER UTTERED WAS "I SEE THAT HAND;" OR "EVERY HEAD BOWED, EVERY EYE CLOSED."

IF YOUR DEFINITION OF "FELLOWSHIP" HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH PASTRY.

IF YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE THE APOSTLE PAUL SPOKE KING JAMES ENGLISH.

IF YOU REALLY THINK JESUS ACTUALLY TURNED WATER INTO WELCH'S GRAPE JUICE.

12 comments:

Pastor Sloan said...

Funny stuff. Of course, some of that can apply to our Fundy friends as well.

Carla said...

IF YOUR DEFINITION OF "FELLOWSHIP" HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH PASTRY...

When did this change? I'm stunned. No one ever tells me nuttin'!

Jeremy Weaver said...

Us Southern Baptists do have the best cooks, though.

boxcarvibe said...

Here are three from an SBC church I attended:

Wearing jeans and a t-shirt in the sanctuary on Sunday morning means you're either backsliding, totally ignorant or your car broke down out front.

Skipping Sunday School - for any reason whatsoever - means you're backsliding, not saved or not worthy of fellowship (ie: covered dish suppers, pastries, etc).

Finally, you might be an SBC member if, just so you could earn enough attendance points to get an umbrella with the church name on it, you signed the Sunday School attendance roll call sheet then left for the day when no one was looking.

pilgrim said...

"IF YOU COMPLAIN BECAUSE YOUR PASTOR ONLY WORKS ONE DAY A WEEK AND THEN HE WORKS TOO LONG."

I'm not a Southern Baptist, and never have been one--but this one is a complaint I've heard before.

I like long sermons--if there's meat in it.

The Armchair Theologian said...

Are we still making cracks about Ergun Caner and James White? Can't we just leave that fiasco in the grave? Oh man Steve! I got riled up just reading that. HA!

Apparently Jeremy Weaver needs to go to a Mennonite Potluck too! Best Cooks? Them's fighting words! HA!

(Ooops! Better watch my mouth! I'm in Southern Baptist Country!) Now I'm just waiting for someone to relate that back to my misunderstandings of Calvinism! HA HA!

voiceofthesheep said...

You might be a Southern Baptist...

IF YOUR CHURCH HAS A COMMITTEE FOR EVERYTHING...

You are definitely a Southern Baptist...

IF YOUR CHURCH HAS A COMMITTEE OVERSEEING ALL THE OTHER COMMITTEES...

When I was about Highschool age, I remember joking with my Dad about all the committees at our SBC church. We actually had a group called the 'Committee on Committees'! I would ask my Dad, "What about a committee to committee the committeeing of the committee on committees?"

Great memories of SBC polity...NOT!

Robert said...

You might be a Southern Baptist....

IF YOU IGNORE POLITICS BY BUSH THAT YOU WOULD PREACH ON AS DANGEROUS IF CLINTON WERE PRESIDENT.

IF YOU STILL BELIEVE (AFTER TWENYT-SIX YEARS!) THAT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS REALLY, TRULY, FINALLY GOING TO WORK TO STOP ABORTION IN AMERICA.

IF YOU THINK ROCK MUSIC IS DANGEROUS BECAUSE OF THE LYRICS AND THE LIFESTYLES OF IT'S ARTISTS, BUT THINK COUNTRY MUSIC IS JUST FINE AND DANDY, IN SPITE OF THE LYRICS AND ARTISTS' LIFESTYLES.

I could go on and on ;I've been one my whole life.

Jeremy Weaver said...

We just had our Church-wide Thanksgiving dinner last night. Has anyone else out there ever had blackberry cake?
We had taters, ham, smoked turkey, green beans, biscuits, cornbread, gravy...put that in your Mennonite pipe and smoke it, Armchair Theologian!!!

Bhedr said...

Should the denomination of Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter and Billy Graham receive such gracious treatments and compliments?

Connie said...

Oh my!! I grew up Southern Baptist and had almost forgotten some of these things--what a hoot!

Regarding who has the best cooks, allow me to stir things up a bit (pun intended).

My husband is Cajun--his family has a long family history in Louisiana. Years ago, there was a death in the family so we spent several days in his hometown. The main two churches in that VERY small town were Southern Baptist and Catholic--he had extended family members in both churches. It was like an Iron Chef competition that week between the women of both churches!! We ate very well, but I've got to say, the Catholic (old traditional French women) out cooked everyone!

boom said...

one more, When you haven't darkened the doors in 15 years, but they still send you tithe envelopes printed with your name, and track you down when you move 150 miles away!!