Thursday, May 15, 2008

DENOMINATIONAL LIGHT BULBS

1. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None, God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs, they simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will one day will be chosen to be changed.

3. How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Change?

4. How many Neo-Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

5. How many TV Evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But for the message of the light to continue send in your donation today.

6. How many Jesus Seminar scholars does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to explain why "it's a parable, dummy," and the other three to vote on whether or not the bulb is actually on or off.*

7. How many Liberals does it take to change a light bulb? At least ten, for they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb actually exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it to keep from alienating those who use other forms of light.

8. How many How Many Roman Catholics Does It Take to Change a light bulb? Seven PLUS one Protestant. One Protestant to nail a sign to the door of the monastery in Latin, explain 95 reasons why the light is burned out, THEN, one Catholic to call Rome and ask if it's okay to change the bulb, one to hold the ladder for the other one to climb and change it, one to hide the ladder and deny the bulb ever burned out, two to convene a council to declare any view that the bulb EVER burned out as heretical and one to cut and paste responses from Catholic Answers to show Protestants that the bulb really didn't change, it DEVELOPED*

9. How many of members of an established Bible teaching church that is over twenty years old does it take to change a light bulb? One, to actually change the bulb and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

10. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? This statement was issued: we choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compromise a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, or light source, or non-dark resource and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday; in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life, and tinted all of which will be valid paths to luminescence.


11. How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a convent? Nun.* 


*from the meta.. courtesy of MarieP and Pilgrim
great work - thanks to both of you for your creativity

-an encore presentation by popular demand-

29 comments:

Jeremy Weaver said...

How many Armininas does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but with a little exhortation the bulb is capable of changing itself.

Jeremy Weaver said...

Arminians.

littlegal_66 said...

Ahh, the power of levity......

But, Campi--posting at 4 a.m.? Either blogger.com's official clock is on the fritz, or you're "burning your light bulb" at both ends!
______________________________________

(Only kidding). We all appreciate your dedication, I'm sure. I'll be praying that God will continue to grant you the energy and strength you need on a daily basis to "get things done" for His glory.

Covered by Him,
--littlegal

Unchained Slave said...

How many believers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they aren't afraid of the dark - they have (and are) the Light of the World.

Sparks said...

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

None, the Pope can just declare that the light bulb is working and the Catholics will believe.

MarieP said...

Pentecostals- One. Their hands are already in the air.

Baptists- At least 10. One to change the lightbulb, 6 to form a committee, and 3 to bring a casserole.

UCC- "Change the lightbulb? NO! That lightbulb has just taken a different route than the others. Who are you to judge? We accept lightbulbs of all shades, sizes, shapes, and wattages."

KJV-Onlyists- "You light-bulb hater you!! This lightbulb has been here since 1611, and if it was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! I do NOT use new-age lightbulbs!!!"

reformed Catholics- "Not now...wait until we're done changing our website."

CREC- "That lightbulb has not gone out. We just need to grab it by its filter and remind it of its covenant identity!"

Catholic apologists- Four. One to hold the lightbulb in the ceiling while the whole world revolves around him. And three to blame James White, Phil Johnson, and Eric Svendsen for all their problems.

Fundamentalist Mormons- One man to change the bulb and four wives to help him.

Mormons- Four. One to change the bulb, one to be baptized for the bulb, another to give a testimony, and another to promise that when he is god he will banish all lightbulbs from his universe.

Jehovah's Witnesses- Three. One to call Brooklyn for "new light" and two to go door-to-door asking people if they've seen the light.

Christian Scientists- "We don't change lightbulbs. The lightbulb is not 'out' but rather needs to come into accordance with the Divine Mind. The lightbulb's 'outness' is merely an illusion."

Jesus Seminar scholars- Four. One to explain why "it's a parable, dummy," and the other three to vote on whether or not the bulb is actually on or off.

littlegal_66 said...

sparks said: " .....the Pope can just declare that the light bulb is working and the Catholics will believe."

Okay, if we're going to throw Catholicism into the mix, the Pope can grant the bulb an indulgence, then they can light a vigil candle and petition Mary for a new bulb.

David said...

Presbyterians- Ask the Session to call a congregational meeting so that we can change the bylaws to require the deacons to change the lightbulb.

pilgrim said...

Movinf beyond denominations-
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

3
one to change the bulb, one to not change the bulb, and one to neither change nor not change the bulb.

pilgrim said...

How Many Roman Catholics Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Answer: Seven PLUS one Protestant. One Protestant to nail a sign to the door of the monastery in Latin, explain 95 reasons why the light is burned out, THEN, one Catholic to call Rome and ask if it's okay to change the bulb, one to hold the ladder for the other one to climb and change it, one to hide the ladder and deny the bulb ever burned out, two to convene a council to declare any view that the bulb EVER burned out as heretical and one to cut and paste responses from Catholic Answers to show Protestants that the bulb really didn't change, it DEVELOPED

Joel said...

Pilgrim, I wish I could argue with that, but I'm too busy laughing my Papist hiney off. :)

Shawn L said...

pilgrim,

That was very funny

littlegal_66 said...

pilgrim--

Quote: "....and one to cut and paste responses from Catholic Answers......."

Oh, man, your entire post is a classic....just brilliant! (Wish I'd thought of it! ; ).

So help me, I love this blog.....

pilgrim said...

I wish I'd come up with it--I forget where I heard it.

I've heard most of these before--but it's always fun to hear them again--what makes them funny is the truth they contain--even if it's exagerated or stretched.

pilgrim said...

5 more-

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One-but for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

Charismatics?
Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls.

Calvinists?
None-God has predestined when the lights will be on.

Conservatives?
Three-One to change the bulb, and two to storm out in potest if the person changing it is a woman.

How many people does it take to change a light bulb in a convent?
Nun.

pilgrim said...

Oops on the repetition on the Calvinist one...

Unchained Slave said...

I'm LOL - I forget there is levity here sometimes...

Thanks all - especially you pilgrim re: Roman Catholics + 1 Protestant

Still LOL!

John said...

Worst case scenario, how many church members? Worst case is the deacon who just plain refuses to allow the light bulb (for which his father paid a subscription) to be changed or even to be recognized as being in need of change or to be earmarked in any way for changing. The man who needs the light bulb to be changed or at least can see the need or not see the light, or so on, should first of all go to the offending deacon and remonstrate (gently) with him. If he will not relent, two other competent dud light bulb spotters should be taken to see said 'Old Light' deacon. If he will still not relent, though by now this is getting tedious so we really hope he will, then this issue should be taken to the whole assembly of those competent to change light bulbs, ie men with better things to do. In order for there to be more in this assembly than there were in the second stage of this dispute (one offending, one offended and two fence mending: Keep up!) there have to be at least five others but this is not in itself sufficient because another light bulb might burn out raising a whole new church disciplinary issue so you need a spare to be instantly available making it take at least ten church members to change any given light bulb, worst case scenario. And John Gill says just that, although he wasn't so clear about the lightbulbs.

2Tal said...

How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb? Twelve.

One to hold the lightbulb, eleven to drink till the room spins.

Breuss Wane said...

ROFL! O-K, I'm crying... the "Jesus Seminar" and "Catholic Answers" were too much...

David said...

So true!

Paul C. Quillman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Paul C. Quillman said...

Emergent: 3
One to affirm the validity of the instructions, while rewriting them in books like "The Secret Message of Light" and "Generous Wattage: Why I Am a Florescent/ Incandescent, Compact Florescent/ Halogen, High Density Discharge Lamp/ 40w, 75w/100w, Dim yet Bright Light Bulb".

One to declare that we have been focusing too much on the light produced by the bulb, when we should embrace the shadows created when the light shines on an object
and

One to say that the monologue of the religious right bulb is over, and a new conversation is emerging.

Paul

wheat and chaff said...

Steve
That is really funny and enlightening too. Thanks for providing a little comic relief on a stressful Friday.

William

The Seeking Disciple said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Seeking Disciple said...

How many seeker sensitives? Four, two to survey the community to see what light bulbs they would like to see used, one to write a book and develop a seminar on the results of the survey of what light bulbs the "unlit" find most attractive, and finally one to simply install the light bulb that will hopefully attract the unlit to the new light.

Alan Kurschner said...

How many Synergists does it take to change a light bulb?

I did not know they wanted to see the light.

Ben said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ben said...

The Calvinist one actually refers to hyper-calivinists. The real calvinist one would be:

Calvinists don't change light bulbs, God does. The calvinist proclaims to the light bulb, "Let there be light!" And God, by his own power through preached Word turns on the light.